Killing Thoughts
by CheekyBrunette
Summary: James always knew his head was messed up; he just didn't want it to be.  Doctors said he was depressed... but he was normal. Right?  James has a bad day and Kendall makes it a bit better. **For RainTastesGood** Sweet enough to rot your teeth!


**Okay, so this one is in honor of RainTastesGood because she is my 150****th**** person to add me to author alert! GO HER! And I feel like since I can't personally thank each and every one of you, I'm just doing my 50****th**** every time, you know? **

**Also, I love all of you. You don't even know…**

**SO LET'S DO THIS THING! **

**OH, IMPORTANT: I've been hard pressed for inspiration for Big Time Rush lately. Like… it's bad. If any one of you would like to send in requests, I'd gladly do them up. I mean, I can't do them ALL, but know you're welcome to do so. No guarantees…**

James had always known his head was a bit funny. He also knew it wasn't his fault, but that didn't make him _feel _like it wasn't. James felt guilty about a lot of things; he felt unwanted because of a lot of things. He was sad, and it hurt, and sometimes… sometimes he would wake up and just wish he hadn't, that he wouldn't ever again. Sometimes life felt too hard and too big, and that it would be easier just to end it.

The doctors said he was lacking… what was it called? Lithium? Something like that… James didn't actually know. Every time they said it, James _heard_, but he didn't _listen_. He didn't want to. As much as he _knew_ that he was messed up and as much as he wanted to get better, James didn't want there to be something wrong with him. So he'd take his medicine like a good boy, but he wasn't going to listen. That was just too much to ask of him.

Besides, it wasn't a big deal… not to James anyway. His mom and friends were always saying that he shouldn't have to feel the way he did, but didn't everyone have their off days? He was a teenager… It was okay to feel like this sometimes… Admittedly, James didn't like how it was _all the time_, but he was normal.

However, today he didn't feel normal. Today he felt like he was pointless. Like life was pointless. No… pointless wasn't the right word. That made him sound angry, but James wasn't angry. Just… depressed. Horribly depressed…

Worthless! That was the word, and honestly? It was perfect. He _was _worthless. James wished the bed would just come and swallow him up; crap, why did he have to be so _hopeless_? It's like… he was just so completely alone…

Kendall would have smacked him for saying that. He was always going on and on about how great he thought James was and how he considered him a brother or whatever and loved him like one, and James felt the same way, but it didn't _connect_ to him. Like… why? Why would Kendall care? Why would anyone care? He should honestly just die… it would be better for everyone… Logan and Carlos were always freaking out cause he apparently was way thinner now- not that he had noticed- and didn't have fun anymore. If he was dead, they wouldn't have to.

Ugh, Kendall would have hit him again. Lucky for James, the other boy was asleep, and he would be for a while. Unfortunately, he himself was awake. This was the part James didn't like. The insomnia. It made him feel too different as his friends snored and he couldn't shut his brain off. Just another billboard sized sign saying, "You're different." James didn't want to be different.

Most of the time it wasn't this bad though. That's why he could feel normal, how he could tell himself he _was_ normal. Right now… Right now he felt terrible. Absolutely awful. As he lay in bed, he couldn't help but wish that he was lying in a pit instead somewhere because that would be so much easier than dealing with all… this.

What even was _this_?

All too slowly, his watch ticked to 6 AM and Logan's alarm clock blared through their bedroom. The pale boy's hand shot out immediately to hit it, always having been a light sleeper, and Carlos –a morning person true and through- crawled over to Logan's bed.

"Wakey, wakey! Let's get nakey!" Carlos yelped, effectively waking up Kendall, who glared at the Latino as he and Logan had an admittedly slashy moment on the bed, wrestling each other after that little line… James knew Carlos only said it to be funny like he did every morning and that wrestling was to be expected when it game to them, but really? It was amazing they could do crap like that without any sexual tension following them around…

Watching Carlos and Logan always made James feel a bit jealous and terribly helpless. They were so _close_. James was so lonely… how was that fair? He looked on as the two scuttled off to get ready, and James saw Kendall throw his legs over the side of his bunk. Crap… he was going to come and "wake him up", and he _really_ didn't want to get out of bed. At all.

"You heard him, James. Wakey, wakey," Kendall said, throwing a pillow at his face. _Ugh, Kendall. Go away, and freaking let me be…_. But Kendall didn't let him be. He was at his side, breathing in his face- a little too close. "Yo, dude. Are you okay?" he questioned, and James knew what he was _really_ asking. _Are you having another one of your crazy days?_

"Yes," he lied, somehow managing to drag himself up onto his elbows and glare at how Kendall was smirking at his hair despite the exhaustion running through his bones. Ugh, what was _moving,_ again? You're going to have to explain that one again because James didn't get it.

Kendall laughed either at the face he was making or his bedhead, James wasn't sure, and left the room with clothes tucked under his arm. James took the opportunity to pull on a purple v-neck and some black skinny jeans. No sense in sweatpants, _they would know_. He couldn't let them know… Only super depressed James didn't care about his appearance enough to be seen in sweats.

He wasn't exactly sure how he made it to the breakfast table… The whole morning sort of passed by in a blur. James knew himself well enough to know that probably had something to do with him always losing focus when he got into ruts like this. Whatever. He swirled his Froot Loops around and tried to ignore the sounds of Carlos and Logan's fight over God-knows-what and the way Kendall was eyeing him. It wasn't that hard. He didn't matter; nothing mattered…

"Hey, dummy, it's called leaving. Wanna try it?" Logan called, and James looked up from his soggy bowl of rainbow mush, only to realize his friends were practically out the door. Logan's tone was joking, but it didn't make a difference. James _was_ a dummy…

They loaded into the limo, and James looked out the window- trying to watch the scenery pass by but he kept missing out on big chunks as he slipped into his thoughts. He couldn't actually handle this; it was too hard. Why did everything have to be so freaking hard? In what seemed like a nanosecond to James, they were at Roque Records, and with much difficulty, he managed to drag himself out of the car. He didn't want to be here… he didn't feel like singing… the sky was falling, the sky was falling!

But James had to sing.

Or else they would know.

They couldn't know.

James walked into the building, and immediately felt lost. How did he get to the recording room again? Whatever, he didn't have to remember. He kept his eyes to the floor as he trailed after his friends who luckily knew where they were going. Thank goodness he wasn't _completely_ alone.

And then there were headphones around his neck and a microphone in front of his face, and he was singing, but he wasn't remembering the words, they were just coming out of him, but he didn't know how… He knew he had sung this song a million times, but he couldn't even remember its _name_. Crap, what was its name? As he tried to think of it, his lips stopped moving, and by the time he remembered he was supposed to be singing, the music had already been cut, and Gustavo's face was as red as the tracksuit he was wearing.

"JAMES! WHAT WAS THAT?" he yelled. For someone who supposedly 'cared' about them, the guy sure did scream at them a lot… James wasn't sure how to answer. See? Proof. Proof he was awful, and dumb, and worthless. He didn't even know how to _sing_, and not in the cute Von Trapp family way either… Julie Andrews wasn't going to pop out and teach him; he was just _stupid_.

"I- I don't know… I'm sorry," he muttered, not knowing what to say for himself. He messed up. He deserved to be yelled at. He deserved to die… Kendall arched an eyebrow at him, but James didn't know how to hide the desolation that was certainly shining in his eyes. Good thing he had never gotten that acting role… he wasn't good at it. He wasn't good at anything.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU- Okay, you know what? NO," Gustavo shot him and everyone else he was squeezed into the tiny box of a room with. "Take a break for an hour, it is TOO EARLY FOR MY BLOOD PRESSURE TO BE THIS HIGH!" Kelly pressed a button, and suddenly the wall furthest from James was coming at them and pressing them through the door as she handed the big man one of his pills.

Carlos let out a whoop, jumping around until Kendall grabbed his wrist, stilling him to whisper something in his ear. As the smaller boy's eyes lit up and he and Logan walked off, James knew what Kendall had wanted. He wanted them to be alone.

Crap.

He knew.

As soon as the shorter half of Big Time Rush had turned the corner, Kendall was on him. "James, do you want to go home? I mean, Gustavo knows about," he gestured to James's body, "everything, and I don't think he would mind." James rubbed his eyes; he was tired. However, anger had spiked in the pit of his stomach, and he was clinging to it. Better mad than sad… always better mad than sad…

"No, Kendall," he snapped, bitter and cranky. "I don't want to go home. And this?" he said, his turn to gesture to himself. "Isn't a problem that needs accommodating. I'm fine, so piss off," he said bitingly, and spun to walk away, but Kendall had grabbed his waist, effectively stopping him.

"You know that isn't what I meant, Jay. You're tired and sad. It's okay to want to spend the day in bed if you need to," he told him honestly, and as much as James wanted to forgive him and show the same kindness he was being given back, he was too scared to not be mad anymore.

"I know exactly what you meant. You want to send me home so you don't have to deal with me anymore," he hissed, and stalked off. He was about to turn the corner, when he caught a glimpse of Kendall still standing right where he had been in the hallway. He hadn't moved to come after him, and he hadn't moved away…

James stopped in his tracks, swirling to meet his best friend's eye, and guilt swept through him, cutting off his anger supply. Sadness coursed through his veins again. Tears sprung into his eyes, and suddenly, he felt arms wrapping around his shoulders. "We're cool. Let's go home, buddy," Kendall said quietly, leading him out the door, and James was thrown off a bit. He forgot how well Kendall knew him, having been standing forever away but still able to know exactly how he was feeling.

James got into the still awaiting limo, and was confused when Kendall slipped into the seat next to him. "You're coming?" he asked, lost. What was Kendall doing?

"Of course, I'm not gonna let you sit in bed alone and sad all day," he answered calmly, situating himself in his seat and tapping his foot- obviously anxious to get home. A warm feeling filled James's chest, despite all the negative thoughts stirring in his mind, and he found himself latching onto Kendall. The other boy was hot like a furnace, but James didn't mind as he pressed his face against his shoulder. His head hurt. He was tired. He was worthless.

But as the blonde shook his arm free to snake it around his shoulders, James didn't feel quite so worthless anymore.

**Hope that was good girl. I love writing BTR, but I just… I've used up everything I've acutally wanted to do with them. Ideas from all of you, once again, are welcome. Either PM me or stick it in a review.**

**Although, no promises. If I make promises, it'll be too much… Gah…**

**HUGS AND SNUGGLES!**


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